When principles and parenthood collide

Getting an education does not mean hitting the books day in day out but having a robust, active life outside school too, this parent says.

COMMENT

This morning I will be accompanying my daughter to receive her SPM results. She has been eagerly waiting this moment since she took her first step into primary school some eleven years ago. Though she is acting cool and relaxed, I know she is struggling to keep her emotions intact.

As the eldest in the family, Sabrina somehow feels it is her burden to make everyone proud especially her mommy and to be a good role model to her younger brother. This is a burden she has carried almost her entire life.

You see, I had Sabrina when I was in my early 20s. I was young and clueless. As a young mother, I taught myself to care for her, feed her, clean her and look after her. I learned to be patient every time she cried in the middle of the night. I learned to put aside my needs and prioritise hers.

And that was when my entire life started to revolve around her. I made it my personal goal to make her the best she could ever be.

Sabrina grew up a smart kid. She wrote her first ‘A’ at the age of 10 months. She recognised all alphabets at the age of one plus. Throughout her primary years, she always emerged top in class and represented her school, district and state in numerous competitions. She was outspoken, courageous and very likeable.

I felt very proud because she was proof of my hard work. So I continued to push her even further. I used to tell her there were no boundaries for excellence and to limit one’s potential was to look down on oneself.

Sabrina always obliged. She never resisted when I made her sacrifice all her playtime for tuition classes, martial art lessons, music classes. She never complained. Never once.

Throughout her younger years, I was so sure that my girl needed my magic hands to give her a push. In my mind she was incapable of doing it herself – well that was until I myself started needing her for a push.

You see, for a brief moment, during my separation from my husband, Sabrina became my roommate. We slept on the same single bed, read the same books, listened to the same songs… Those were the times we bonded the most. And that was when I saw my girl for the unique individual she truly was.

Every night she would talk to me as her hands gently brushed my hair until I fell asleep. In my lowest moments, she would hug me, pat my back and assure me everything would be okay. She made Milo and spoon fed me every time I refused to eat. She pottered around the house and folded my clothes when all I did was lay in bed in despair.

She was my rock.

That was when I realised what a treasure I had in my hands. And here I was trying to polish her even further by pushing her to try harder, to be better when all I should have done was appreciate her for who she was – an amazing person.

How stupid of me to have ignored my sweet baby’s wishes to watch cartoons or play with her friends at the park simply because I placed a bigger emphasis on her school exam results and not her happiness. What a monster I had become!

I was lucky because I came to my senses when Sabrina was still in her early teens. I realised I had robbed her of much of her childhood. And so I stopped being a mother and became her friend.

Instead of sending her to tuition centres, I spent more time with her and her brother. We talked about life and the future but mostly about sweet nothings. On school nights, we went for movies. On exam weeks, we played board games. On weekends, we took short trips to remote places around the country.

Sabrina ceased to be top student in her class. But it was okay. She was happy. She was truly happy.

Sometimes as parents, we get confused of our roles in our children’s life. We want them to have a better life than we did. We set standards for them to reach. We believe success is only possible if they achieve those standards.

We complain of our almost robotic life, having to wake up, go to work, come home, clean up, hit the sack only to do it all over again the next day. We fail to realise that by moulding their lives to fit ours, our children’s lives too has become a routine.

As long as we continue doing this, how can they ever discover their own capabilities? How are they ever going to reach their own potential?

We sometimes blatantly attack our country’s education system without realising that we too are partly to blame. We are a part of the education system our kids are exposed to. We complain of the spoon-feeding method our schools are infamous for, yet we opt at sending our children for tuition classes from such tender years. Nowadays even five year olds attend tuition classes. What has become of us?

Why do we do this? To get a Best Parent Award? To boast about how smart our kids are among our relatives and friends? Is our reputation more important than our child’s happiness?

Children need to be children. They need to get their hands and feet dirty. They need to run around the field trying to catch grasshoppers. They need to roll in the dirt and figure a way to dispose of their dirty clothes before mommy finds out. They need to make mistakes and come home with red marks in their report card so that they can understand what disappointment feels like.

But not only is our education system unable to provide our children with the skills they need, we parents are also making the same mistakes. Our children spend roughly 7 to 8 hours in school every day. How many hours do we spend with them? How many hours do we sit down and talk to them? How many hours do we engage in activities with them?

The primary purpose of learning is to trigger thinking abilities – to discover new knowledge as children learn to form their own opinions about things that matter to them. Our children should be taught to see things differently – they should be encouraged to be curious, enthusiastic, develop values and learn about maturity. If we, as parents can’t assist our children to see the world through new eyes, why bother pointing fingers at our screwed up education system? Shouldn’t we be pointing fingers at ourselves?

If you happen to know anyone receiving their SPM results today, don’t bother asking them of their results, instead wish them well, for the past eleven years was nothing but mere training.

Their true journey to the future is actually just about to begin…

To my dearest daughter:

You are amazing just the way you are. No results on a piece of paper can ever make me think less of you. Straight A’s or no straight A’s, I will always be your cheerleader. All I want of you is to be happy.

“A lot of parents will do anything for their kids except let them be themselves.”

-Bansky