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Sunday, June 26, 2016

Much ado about grave affairs

Although visiting the graves of loved ones is a tradition honoured by many on the first day of Syawal, praying for their souls can be done in the confines of one's own home as well.
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cemetery 2
As I was browsing Facebook this morning, I came across a status posted by a friend seeking advice about visiting the graves of loved ones. Her friend, a Muallaf, passed away on the first of Ramadan, a month ago and she wished to visit his grave on the first day of Syawal. However, being a non-Muslim, she wasn’t too sure about the do’s and don’ts while in the compound of a Muslim cemetery, and she posted a list of questions.
As I smiled reading her ten questions, I was reminded of my childhood years when visiting the graves for those departed was a tradition in our family on the first day of Syawal. Uncle Muttalib, the eldest in our family would take me and at least half a dozen of my cousins to the graves of our dearest family members in the wee hours of the morning. According to uncle Muttalib, it was the perfect time to do so as the crowd from Hari Raya prayers would flood the cemetery if done any later.
With a kettleful of sandalwood water, rose water and pocketfuls of fragrant flower petals, we would march to the Dato Keramat Muslim Cemetery, about a five-minute walk from my grandpa’s house in Jalan P Ramlee.
The first thing we’d do was pluck all the weeds and grass on the grave, so it would be more presentable. While Uncle Muttalib read a few verses from the Holy Book, my older cousins would pour sandalwood water and sprinkle rose water around the grave. Spreading flower petals used to be the duty of much younger kids like myself. Afterwards, everyone would find a spot around the grave to recite prayers for our late family members whose graves were next to each other.
I once asked my uncle about the significance of the cemetery ritual every Hari Raya morning – he said it was just to remind us of those who were no longer with us. I thought it didn’t quite make sense because those dear to us were always close to our hearts anyway, with or without visiting their graves. Plus, visiting them just once a year wasn’t a real show of affection either.
I was also quite confused when he told us that presenting prayers for the deceased would add up to their good deeds, and help them on Judgement Day. I’ve always thought one had to be involved in their good deeds and could earn merit points on the good deeds of others – kinda reminds me of the Malay phrase ‘Lembu punya susu, sapi dapat nama’.
Walking back home after our annual visiting of the graves, we would pass many other Muslim families carrying out similar rituals in other spots of the cemetery – sandalwood water, rose water, flower petals. According to my uncle, it was done to soften and add fragrance to the earth covering the deceased. I remember visualising the dead shifting comfortably down under and sniffing the sweet scent after the ritual was carried out. It amuses me to this day.
Now in my 40s, it has been donkey years since I last conducted this ritual. Honestly I see no point in it. I mean, I pray for the souls of those departed often, I keep their thoughts and memories close to my heart and I often talk about them to my children and write stories about them to keep them alive in my mind. Clearly I do not need to visit cemeteries once a year to be reminded of them – furthermore, it’s not like they are there.
However, I find some of my Muslim friends honour this tradition to this day. Almost every Hari Raya morning, I see selfies of them at the cemetery, looking pretty shiok in their baju raya, pink lips and blue lens. A few of them even use the check-in app on Facebook – “Melati Maarof is at Tanah Perkuburan Islam Bukit Kiara”. Quite hilarious!
Perhaps this is why Prophet Muhammad once discouraged us from visiting cemeteries. He said the living was no longer connected to the dead. Instead He encouraged us to pray for them from the confines of our own homes. However, when His wife Aishah became a regular visitor to her late brother’s grave and His daughter Fatimah often visited her uncle’s grave, the Prophet decided it was okay for men and women to frequent the cemetery for two reasons: one, to remind them of death and two, so they could pray for the people buried there.
Honestly, I do not know how much praying and remembering of death goes on when people are so busy snapping selfies, checking-in and scrolling Facebook.
Anyway, wanting to help my friend, I decided to answer her 10 questions:
1) What time to go?
Anytime, except after midnight. But if you do, bring some garlic.
2) Things to bring?
Some powder and lip gloss to touch up. Maklumlah, panas.
3) Any payments to be made?
Shall I give you my account details?
4) To whom?
Yours truly?
5) Non-Muslims, can go?
The dead wouldn’t notice, so yes.
6) Age group that cannot go?
Under 6, especially those noisy, annoying brats.
7) Menstruating on that day, can go?
As long as you put on heavy duty tampons, you are good. Or wear red baju. Gerenti no one will notice.
8) Have to cover the head?
Only if you have a bad hair day.
9) Any particular (type/species) of flowers?
Plastic. It lasts longer.
10) Attire colour?
I am sure the dead don’t keep up with the latest fashion trends.
I sure hope my answers help her – if she does decide to go, that is.

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